Pretty, but at what cost?
It's like the prettier I try to get, the uglier I feel
I never imagined that being marvelled at would make me feel this hollow,
Nor would I have thought that I'd spend my time staring at my flaws, wondering if anyone else had noticed them too
Is this what pretty privilege is about?
I fear of being tone deaf, because not everyone would find me beautiful
I fear of being called proud, as I vocalise how it's silently eating at me
I hadn't realised that this is what it would turn out to be
The beautiful girls I once scoffed at for somehow getting into drama and bad friendships, I now find sympathy for
If I were to be as pretty and as social as them, would I have been broken into pieces too?
Would my present cries to be seen turn into desperate screams; screams to actually be looked at?
Why is it so difficult to be who I actually am, with all eyes on me?
Why am I lusted after, instead of loved?
Why am I seen as a box in someone's bucket list?
Why is my every move critiqued?
Why do people sneer at me, even when I've done nothing?
Why does it all feel like I'm being dramatic?
Why do I feel like I'm not worthy of the title, and like I'm not even qualified to complain in the first place?
I took some pictures today, to feel a little more confident
I felt as though I was doing too much, and so I wanted to reassure myself
I fixed my hair, lined my lips, and set up my lamp that I used to study
Multiple poses, I had done.
And yet, when I looked at them, it did nothing to dissuade my original feelings
I wiped off my lips in embarrassment, and took off my clothes
My lamp lays on the floor, still alight, but I stare at it from my periphery
The prettier I try to get, the uglier I feel
Why do I not embrace myself as much as I should?
Why must I assume that only form fitting outfits must make the cut,
And why should I have to slap my hands away from lining my lips and applying lipgloss?
I never intended to be like this
And I hope that someday, maybe I can internalise the fact that my importance is not based on how I look
Why is being pretty so costly?
Omg you guys I haven't posted in a while. I'm working on an article right now, and it's taking a while. It's not revolutionary or special. I just struggle with time blindness and procrastination a lot, and apparently I've not been taking care of myself
This is just a rant. Yep
Thank you for reading!
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